|Posted by Gayle on February 21, 2011 at 1:30 PM|
QUESTION --- Have you joined a gym because in your headed you were ready, but after a month you stop going?
Why is that you ask?
ANSWER --- I’m depressed, and I’m having a hard time excepting that as an answer. So I keep turning to FOOD and lots of it! I got on the scale for the 1st time in a few weeks and I’m up to 220 again!
What’s going on? Why can’t I just commit to the plan? Why am I allowing myself to feel this PAIN again? WHY???
Sorry – this is what’s been going through my head the past few days.
I have PAIN – DEEP PAIN INSIDE – and I’m having a VERY HARD time letting it go!!! It started back in January, we joined a CrossFit gym (cost $150 per mth) and we started a Zone Food Plan (cost $250 a week) --- 3 Weeks in, and REALITY HITS --- we’re losing weight, but the cost of the healthier food has/is causing MONEY STRESS in our relationship (mainly in my head, because I deal with all the money) which then causes me STRESS and I take it out on him *sad face* --- I just don’t want to say we need to switch to a less expensive plan – I’m scared it won’t work! (this is my head talking) I’M SCARED of the UNKNOWN!!!!!
Then I get SICK --- Yay! an excuse to EAT FOOD, and I have ate more food these past few weeks then I would like to admit! I was sick for a good TWO WEEKS – but I’m better now so why and I still putting it off? Why am I scared???
Going a little DEEPER – If you’ve followed my story from the beginning (or if you read my story on this website) you’ll remember me saying something along the lines that my Dad is dying – well last week he called to let me know that his Kidney’s are gone! (he’s waiting to get the vein surgery) – so what does this mean? This means dealing with the PAIN of LOSING HIM!!! – I’m NOT READY to say goodbye!!! – I’ve been so sad these past few days and I know that’s normal, but I’m always MAD!!! HURT!!! SCARED!!!! I just want to SCREAM!!!! I just want to SCREAM!!!!! I hope & pray he will be here another 20 years, but he had the family “get together” to talk about what “May Happen” and that’s where I’m having a HARD TIME! I just don’t want to accept this! I want everything to be NORMAL!!!
Watching a Kidney DVD --- he had us all watch a DVD about Kidney Failure and scary enough the NUMBER 1 on the list was Diabetes – NUMBER 2 on the list High Blood Pressure --- So then I ask myself am I next? Gayle do you really want to kill yourself with FOOD? Because the Reality is THAT! FOOD = WEIGHT GAIN which could = DEATH in my shoes….
So now my QUESTION is HOW do I get past this PAIN and STRESS and Start LIVING AGAIN?
Is the ANSWER really – JUST DO IT? – Is it that easy? If it was don’t you think I would have done it already? Which brings me back to being SCARED – I’m scared that I’ll get healthy again, and as soon as that happens I’ll lose him, and then what? THEN WHAT? I’ll turn to FOOD AGAIN? Any advice???
Why do I give my VOICE inside my head that much POWER??? Why?
I know this is going to take time to adjust and I’m glad that I wrote this BLOG POST because sometimes it’s my only escape! (don’t get me wrong I have The Mister & Family, but they don’t get me like a few of YOU DO!) I can’t promise I’ll update as often, but I will keep in touch!!!
THANKS FOR LISTENING!!!